I never knew what it was like to get kicked in the balls by someone with the leg strength of a professional soccer player until I decided to go into the DMV about a month ago to register my car in DC.
Click to view my blood pressure rising
First off let me warn all those who are considering this act to PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T REGISTER YOUR CAR IN DC.
Basically, if you buy your car out of state and then register your car in DC, there is something they call ‘Title Excise Tax.’ I call this ’sodomy with a nine-iron.’ I was charged $796.25 to register my car in DC.
Breath that in for one second.
You have to pay an absolutely ridiculous amount of money to the DC government just so you can have the luxury of driving your car on their torn-up roads, get a constant barrage of parking tickets, and have to deal with absolute neanderthals each and every time you need to interact with anyone who works at the DMV.
Basically, there are some clever ways around the DC excise tax (PDF) that I urge you to familiarize yourself with before you even think about registering your car in DC, although I would recommend you to think about simply keeping the car registered wherever you got it and paying for a parking garage because it will honestly be cheaper.
I am generally a pretty easygoing guy and I don’t hold a lot of hate in my heart. I get upset with people sometimes but I always let them know and I try to get over it. If I find that someone is bringing more negativity into my life than positivity, then I basically remove them from my life because I don’t like a lot of drama.
That being said, if there is one group I honestly can say I hate and wish would fall off the face of the earth: it is everyone affiliated with the DMV in Washington, DC. From the meter bitches who constantly leave tickets on my car; to the cops who are basically 10 IQ points away from wearing a helmet to work; to the people who work at the DMV offices who were recruited out of the Ninth Circle of Hell.
I wish someone would come in a big black truck and take all of them away to a special camp somewhere, where they would be routinely flogged and have lye poured into their eyes on a daily basis.
Why do they suck so bad?
- If volume of parking tickets was an indicator of the safety of a city, then DC would be the Garden of Eden. Unfortunately, it is not. While all sorts of crimes are going on in other parts of DC, I have gotten two parking tickets in residential neighborhoods, each for $50, for not having a front license plate on my Landrover Freelander. I am planning to dispute both. Basically, I have heard that the DMV peons show up to court on an infrequent basis so you have a good shot at getting out of your ticket if you just show up. I’m going to spend the next several days figuring out how to get out of these tickets and then share my knowledge with the world, and search-engine optimize it so that anyone in DC who ever Googles “get out of parking ticket” will find my page and automatically know how to get out of paying their fine to the DMV. Cops - why don’t you go stop a crime or something instead of waddling your fat ass through suburban DC looking for cars to ticket. It makes me think that there is some sort of raffle for most parking tickets given out with first prize being a lifetime supply of hot dogs and slurpies from 7-11.
- DC Excise Tax is a euphemism for rape - I have had to go through the car registration process these past few monthsand was forced to pay about $800 in DC Excise Tax, which I am going to blog about in a separate post because I want to make sure that my words on that are search engine optimized as well.
- The final straw was this AM, when I was driving by a cop who had already pulled two people over for no reason in particular, and as I pulled by, asked me to stop. The idiot then looked at me and said “You need to stop before the crosswalk!!!” I proceeded to look down at the street and see that my car was literally one foot into the crosswalk. I just stared at him with disdain and hatred and he let me go because he had to ticket the other two cars he had already pulled over. I wish pestilence upon him.
