Drift Reality

This is piggy-backing off of my last posting (sort of).  Basically, I get tons of junk mail each and every day. Unlike all the spam I receive in my various inboxes and on my blog, the junk mail really annoys me because of the sheer quantity of natural resources that are wasted. At the end of any given week, my trashcans are basically full of junk mail and I can’t help but think of all the trees that are being destroyed so that SallieMae can try to sell me better insurance policies.

At any rate, I have come up with an idea that is going to fix both the environmental issues associated with direct mail as well as the pitifully low conversion rates associated with this form of advertising.

I call it ‘toilet paper direct mail’ or ‘TPDM’:

Another brilliant idea from Drift Reality

The basic gist of TPDM is that we are providing customers with a form of marketing that is:

1. Environmentally-friendly: Instead of sending out millions of ads that are instantly thrown in the trash and wasted, we are distributing ads that are going to provide consumers with something that they actually end up using. In the process we are going to cut back on consumption of natural resources.

2. Consumer-friendly: Instead of inundating consumers with annoying mail that causes them to silently curse the company that sent it to them, we are providing them with a service that they are going to actually use and be happy with.

3. Highly Retentive: By putting the ad onto toilet paper, we are going to be moving the message out of the mailbox-to-trashcan cycle and into the place where consumers are most likely to actually read the advertisement - the bathroom. Just the other day, I found myself sitting on the toilet, silently contemplating the Redskins starting lineup for ‘07 when I found myself wishing I had something - anything - to read. Well, if I had ads on toilet paper I would probably have been reading those.

Here is the best part: if you like the ad, you keep it and put it aside. If you don’t like the ad, you literally wipe your ass with it. Think about the metaphorical beauty of the act!

It’s a no-brainer.

As with all ideas posted to Drift Reality, if anyone patents this idea I demand partial ownership as well as royalties on all revenue generated through the idea.

The other day I received the following letter in the mail:

The letter was accompanied by a very life-like check for $3,850 made out to me.  My first thought was “sweet, my luck is finally changing.  I have 4 grand  in my pocket and a half-a-million dollars on the way.  Brazil, here we come…”

I then realized how stupid I was (it took at least 2 seconds) and looked more carefully at the letter.  I saw that they were prompting me to call a phone number with a United Kingdom area code to talk to “Greg Johnson,” despite the fact that the alleged company behind the award, Autohaus on Edens Inc., was apparently headquartered in Northbrook, IL (as indicated in the header of the letter). 

I decided to scan this one in and share it with the public.  Greg Johnson, wherever you are, why don’t you go f%#k yourself.

By the way, some people may be turned off by all the expletives in this blog.  I only have one thing to say - if the president and vice-president of our country can cuss on television for all the world to see, then I can cuss on my blog.