Drift Reality

Shoot ‘Em Up is a highly stylized fast-paced action film starring Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti, and Monica Bellucci, and directed by Hollywood’s new shining star Michael Davis, who adds another gem to his growing list of masterpieces that includes Monster Man, Girl Fever, and 100 Girls.

Did I mention that Michael Davis wrote the screenplay to Double Dragon in 1994?

No seriously, the movie was mildly shitty.

There are those that believe this film is part of a growing genre of films that are self-conscious of their own shallowness to the point that their titles blare out the fact that you will become dumber by watching them. This trend is exemplified in films like Snakes on a Plane.

Snakes on a Plane makes no pretense at depth and admits what it is a skank with fake boobs who dresses trashy, swears like a pirate, and hooks up with everybody at the party.

Unfortunately, I think Shoot ‘Em Up is more like a skank with fake boobs and a fake Prada bag, sipping on Cristal meaning it is not completely aware of its own shallowness and that is somehow worse on an objective scale of skanks.

ow else can you explain scenes like Bellucci’s tearful admission that she had lost a child in the past, or the inexplicably complex plot that involves a dirty politician, a gangster, and a gun manufacturer?

Oooh, those features are satirical you say? Did I mention that Michael Davis wrote the screenplay to Double Dragon in 1994?

At any rate, it is a real shame that Shoot ‘Em Up stunk so much because the truth of the matter is that they had the ingredients to make a great film: Their casting director obviously hit a home run - I mean, this film had three legitimate Hollywood stars!

It is almost like the executive producers went out and purchased a Ferrari engine and inserted it into a Hyundai.

I think if they had just hired a real screen writer and director they could have honestly had a blockbuster on their hands instead of a film that has made about $12.8 million since it opened September 23 with an opening weekend gross of $5.7 million, which ranks it below such classics as Hostel Part II, The Invasion, and an assortment of other films starring Bijou Phillips.

Sadly, Shoot ‘Em Up has generated less buzz than YouTube’s Leave Britney Alone and probably deserves slightly less critical acclaim.

What’s worse, the film has only made about $750K on the foreign market, which is sad considering that Bellucci and Owen should be great draws abroad.

To avoid sounding like your typical whiny film critic, I’m going to get productive and actually offer a few recommendations that could have pushed this film in the right direction:

1. Simplify the plot and sex it up The whole political conspiracy / gun-lobby plot is stupid and confusing. I actually like the way the film avoids any sort of initial plot development and simply hops into the action a young pregnant woman being pursued by an assailant runs by a man seated on a bench. It has a great noiresque beginning but it just gets too crazy, random and tacky. Speaking of tacky:

2. Make the characters classier and let the actors act Bellucci giving a blowjob behind a dumpster just isn’t doing it for me. Nor is Clive Owen dressed like a hobo eating carrots. You took one of the sexiest actresses of our time and turned her into a lactating whore and you took one of the top actors and turned him into Bozo the crime fighting bum. Shame on you.

Giamatti was the one character I sort of liked and that is mostly because of Giamatti. Their characters would have been far better had they simply been cliches: Owen’s character should have been an acerbic yet witty and kind-hearted detective and Bellucci could have been a self-serving socialite with a calm demenoar that cloaked a deep-seeded fear.

3. Pacing, pacing, pacing I know that the balls to the wall pacing was clearly intentional but they never let Owen nor Bellucci have the space to explore any possible chemistry nor express anything the slightest bit human about either of their characters. They were simply running around the entire time like idiots, making trite dialogue and engaging with one another in an excessively contrived manner. Also, when are producers going to realize that film is like pitching I don’t care if you can hurl it like Nolan Ryan in his prime, eventually people will catch up to your speed and get bored. With Shoot ‘Em Up, you simply become numb to the pace and by the middle you are just counting the minutes until the credits roll.

4. Hire a real screenwriter and director Who thought it was a good idea to get this cast together and then ask Michael Davis to write and direct? Davis must have tape of one of the executive producers planning treason against the US government. That is the only way I can possibly explain how he was asked to both write and direct this film.

Did I mention that Michael Davis wrote the screenplay to Double Dragon in 1994?

Err on a side note, Bellucci is absolutely beautiful but they really should have hired a better makeup artist for her.

5. Get rid of the baby It was just ridiculous. I don’t know if it was a joke or what, but having a baby in this movie just seemed pointless to me. I mean, you have a baby or a child in the film either to scare people silly (like the Grudge) or to create tension because of your concern for the kid. But in a caricature of a film like this, it just seems pointless to have a baby.

Well, when all is said and done the best thing I can say about the film is that it was fairly short.

Did I mention that Michael Davis wrote the screenplay to Double Dragon in 1994?