Drift Reality

It has been almost two months since I turned 30 and I think I have finally started to accept my age.

A funny thing happens when you are closing in on 30 - you start to feel a sense of desperation because you don’t think you have accomplished all the things you set out to accomplish by the time you are 30 and that sense of desperation crescendos until you hit the magic number and suddenly you realize that everything is okay.

You realize you are not going to write the next great American novel and that is okay.

You realize that you are not going to be a Hollywood star and that is okay.

You realize you are not going to be rich and famous and that is okay (unless you are in fact rich and famous).

You realize you are not going to be in a fulfilling marriage with a beautiful kid on the way and that is okay.

Once you have turned 30 you realize that you are basically the same person you were at 29 except one-year older and that is okay.

I have gone through a litany of failures in my life. In some ways, my life has been a string of almost-successes that dates back to my childhood.

I almost was the starting Quarterback but wasn’t.

I almost went to Harvard but didn’t.

I almost got into UCLA film school but didn’t.

I almost became a diplomat but didn’t.

I actually could go on but I don’t want to waver off-course by taking inventory of my failures in life. I could probably go on for a while but the point of me writing all of these down is that from the time I learned how to say “I want,” I simultaneously learned to understand that “It isn’t going to happen the way I want.”

That same question-and-answer repeats itself throughout your entire life and starts to amplify when you graduate from College. Most people manage to drown it out through a combination of alcohol, sex and other forms of miscellaneous escapism (I played a lot of video games for instance) right after university or high school, but it builds inexorably.

Silently in the background, those failures keep stacking up throughout your twenties and add to an underlying sense of urgent desperation that no one is exempt from - or rather almost no one.

See, I have talked with attorneys, bankers and doctors who were miserable throughout their twenties just like I have talked with construction workers, local government employees and service industry professionals who were miserable throughout their twenties. People are just miserable about different things and it all comes back to the same question-and-answer.

Can I have this?

No, you can’t have that OR yes, you can have it but you are going to get that and a whole lot more than you bargained for and what you will end up with will be nothing like what you expected.

Then, when you turn 30 suddenly you cease to ask that question (or maybe it goes silent again - waiting to strike). At least, I think that question has ceased in my mind.

I have come to grips with the fact that I am not married. I have come to grips with the fact that I am not going to be an astronaut or a professional athlete. What I have not come to grips with is the notion that I won’t be successful at something - it will just not be something that I expected originally.

So to all the thirty-year-olds out there, it is a pleasure to join you in our collective state of acceptance. For those of you who have accomplished everything you set out to accomplish, congratulations. To all the twenty-year-olds that are freaking out about becoming thirty-year-olds, quit your whining because things will get better.

Admittedly, I am not a huge fan of The Tudors nor am I a fan of Jonathan Rhys Meyers who perpetually looks like he is auditioning for a Right Said Fred video. I have been roped into the show and during the last episode began thinking about how the royal court is such a great representation of societal archetypes.

The timing couldn’t have been better as a close friend of mine who is Greek recently visited and we got into a debate about whose community has had more of an impact on society - Greeks or Persian Americans.

Admittedly this is a little pathetic, sort of the cultural equivalent of a Cubs fan arguing with an Indians fan about which team has a better tradition of winning the World Series but I digress.

The timing of my forced watching of the Tudors and debate over Persian vs. Greek American icons has compelled me to use a royal court archetype framework and compare the two communities.

The Royal Jester - Maz Jobrani vs. Andy Milonakis

The Royal Jester is the clown of the kingdom. His primary role in life is to make people laugh (either with him or at him). Maz Jobrani’s intelligent, witty stand-up routine has made him a hit on tour as well as on YouTube. Milonakis’ appeal to the lowest common denominator has resulted in numerous appearances on Jimmy Kimmel’s show as well as his own show on MTV2. He has a hormone condition that gives him the appearance of a pre-adolescent boy despite his age (mid-thirties).

Edge: Persians. Milonakis is more annoying than funny.

The Royal Minstrel - Deep Dish vs. Kelly Clarkson

The Royal Minstrel is the official court musician. I found it a little difficult to find examples of well known Persian-American musicians. I went with Deep Dish simply because I had actually heard of them. I guess part of the issue here is that the Persian-American culture isn’t as integrated at this point so many of the musicians are really only well-known in Persian-American circles. At any rate, Deep Dish is a production duo based in Washington, DC. Kelly Clarkson won the first season of American Idol and has been an international sell.

Edge: Greeks. Clarkson isn’t really my cup of tea but it is hard to argue with her success.

The Chancellor - Pierre Omidyar vs. Nicholas Negroponte

The Chancellor is the King’s primary counselor. He is the ‘brains’ of the kingdom, helping guide its domestic and royal affairs. Omidyar is the founder and chairman of eBay and later, the charitable Omidyar Network. Negroponte is the founder of MIT’s Media Lab and One Laptop per Child association (OLPC).

Edge: Even They have both accomplished pretty amazing things. Omidyar may have fundamentally changed the way we buy and sell things while Negroponte may be having a revolutionary impact on the developing world. The verdict is still out on this one.

First Knight - Andre Agassi vs. Pete Sampras

The First Knight is the Royal family’s answer to the high school quarterback. He is known for his acts of valor and chivalry. Clearly, Sampras is one of the greatest tennis players to have every played. His accomplishments trump Agassi’s on paper but anyone who told you they would rather have lunch with Sampras is lying. During their respective careers, Agassi’s charisma and personality always made him a fan favorite.

Edge: Persians. Even though won a record 14 Grand Slam singles titles to Agassi’s 8, Sampras was just too boring to be the First Knight.

The Duke - Jimmy Delshad vs. Bob Costas

The Duke is the nobleman of highest rank outside the royal family. Delshad is the Mayor of Beverley Hills while Costas is a famous American sportscaster. I struggled a bit with this one however because I couldn’t think of many dominant Persian-American figures who were on the forefront of the American consciousness.

Edge: Greeks. For someone who nobody seems to really like, Costas has accomplished quite a bit and is really one of the dominant figures in American sports media.

The Princess - Sarah Shahi vs. Jennifer Aniston

The Princess is known throughout the land for her beauty and grace. Everyone knows who Jennifer Aniston is. Clearly, she is a Hollywood A-list celebrity (maybe the B+ list) and her trials and tribulations with Brad Pitt have made her an American media constant. Shahi is a relatively unknown actress who would probably love to have Aniston’s fame and success. At the same time, my opinion is that on sheer looks, Shahi trumps Aniston by a considerable amount.

Edge: Greeks. You can’t argue with Anniston’s success. Shahi has the looks but probably not the talent to really shoot up the ranks in Hollywood.

The Queen - Christiane Amanpour vs. Olympia Dukakis

As first lady of the kingdom, the queen is a model of temperance and class. Based out of CNN’s London bureau, Amanpour is one of the most recognized international correspondents on American television. Dukakis is an esteemed Academy Award-winning American actress.

Edge: Persians. Dukakis is a dignified and accomplished actress but if the shit goes down I would want Amanpour to be the leading lady who steps in and takes control of the situation - she has ice in her veins. She has gone toe-to-toe with Yasser Arafat, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and North Korea’s chief nuclear negotiator Kim Kye Gwan without batting an eyelash.

The King - Faryar Shirzad vs. Michael Dukakis

The alpha male of the kingdom, the King runs the show from top to bottom. His vision dictates the path that the kingdom will take. I had a bloody hell of a time figuring out who was the most prominent male political or business figure from the Persian-American community. Then I realized that the most fitting individual for King is probably Goli Ameri, the U.S. Assistant Secretary of State for Educational and Cultural Affairs. She has also served as the U.S. delegate to the UN Commission on Human Rights, and served as a U.S. public delegate to the UN General Assembly. Most people know Dukakis because he was the Democratic presidential nominee in 1988 but before that he was the longest serving governor in Massachusetts’ history.

Edge: Greeks. Ameri has an impressive background but winning the Democratic presidential nominee is the closest either ethnic group has gotten to sitting on the real throne.