Jun 18th, 2007
How to Fix Direct Marketing
This is piggy-backing off of my last posting (sort of). Basically, I get tons of junk mail each and every day. Unlike all the spam I receive in my various inboxes and on my blog, the junk mail really annoys me because of the sheer quantity of natural resources that are wasted. At the end of any given week, my trashcans are basically full of junk mail and I can’t help but think of all the trees that are being destroyed so that SallieMae can try to sell me better insurance policies.
At any rate, I have come up with an idea that is going to fix both the environmental issues associated with direct mail as well as the pitifully low conversion rates associated with this form of advertising.
I call it ‘toilet paper direct mail’ or ‘TPDM’:
Another brilliant idea from Drift Reality
The basic gist of TPDM is that we are providing customers with a form of marketing that is:
-
Environmentally-friendly: Instead of sending out millions of ads that are instantly thrown in the trash and wasted, we are distributing ads that are going to provide consumers with something that they actually end up using. In the process we are going to cut back on consumption of natural resources.
-
Consumer-friendly: Instead of inundating consumers with annoying mail that causes them to silently curse the company that sent it to them, we are providing them with a service that they are going to actually use and be happy with.
-
Highly Retentive: By putting the ad onto toilet paper, we are going to be moving the message out of the mailbox-to-trashcan cycle and into the place where consumers are most likely to actually read the advertisement - the bathroom. Just the other day, I found myself sitting on the toilet, silently contemplating the Redskins starting lineup for ‘07 when I found myself wishing I had something - anything - to read. Well, if I had ads on toilet paper I would probably have been reading those.
Here is the best part: if you like the ad, you keep it and put it aside. If you don’t like the ad, you literally wipe your ass with it. Think about the metaphorical beauty of the act!
It’s a no-brainer.
As with all ideas posted to Drift Reality, if anyone patents this idea I demand partial ownership as well as royalties on all revenue generated through the idea.
Dude. Pure genius.
Al, I had a funny feeling you would approve of this idea.
Hi kids,
Captain DM here, fighting for the rights of direct Mail marketers the world over! Now feel my bullet points of steel! ooooh yeerrr
·Improvements in market research techniques have steadily improved targeting and response rates of direct mail over the last decade! yay!
·Preference services have further sort the soft, plump, ripe, suculent, wheat from the cowardly left wing anti DMers! Boo!
·If it doesnt work then please tell the class why dispite improvments in marketing metrics the volume of direct mail has increased by 87% since 1990! Yay!
·History is important!: DM is the oldest form of marketing know to man (standing on street corners not withstanding) The oldest example of DM in existence advertises a slave auction held in around 1000BC and slaves helped build the pyramids! Yay!
·Thanks to that dandy captain planet Direct mail recycling has increased by 38% since 2000 and now substantially less can be found in landfills! Yay!
·Trees? DM uses recycled paper, most of the time it is more cost effective!
·DM generates almost as many regular donors for charities than all the other charity marketing channels put together! Yay!
·Lets face it most companies put their best offers on their DM! So if your not using it your missing out!
·This lazy shmo seems to be saying it bugs him because he has to carry all that heavy paper to the bin! Hahaha get more exercise fatso it will do your heart good!
And remember kids eat your greens, brush your teeth twice a day and only use the finest demographically targeted double opt in personalised mailings! So lets have a DMZ for DM this xmas!
Lots of love
Captain DM
p.s. Hay chum, dont feel sore, noone expected you to win!
Wow what a psycho. This was satire dude but thanks for contributing.