Drift Reality

I haven’t written anything in Drift Reality for a while.  Much of my efforts have been directed towards more work-related topics recently and I have also been doing quite a bit of fictional writing that isn’t really appropriate for this Web site.

I did however watch There Will be Blood recently and hunted down this acute analytical account written by a guy named Lorenzo Wang.  If any Drift Reality readers enjoyed the film they will definitely enjoy Wang’s analysis of the film.

After watching the Children of Heaven a few months ago, and being engaged throughout the film’s entirety I realized a couple of things: First, that there is no correlation between a film’s budget and the overall quality of that film. Second, I realized that I was becoming a fan of Persian films and in particular of Majid Majidi.

So it was with a fair degree of excitement that I plunked down and watched The Color of Paradise this past weekend.

Several hours later I was moping around with a heavy heart, feeling borderline depressed.

Not because The Color of Paradise was a bad movie but because it somehow managed to elicit such a depth of emotion - an imposing sense of sympathy and compassion for the film’s characters.

The plot revolves around Mohammad, a young blind boy who is studying at a school for the blind in Tehran. The semester is over and all the children are picked up by their parents - except for Mohammad, whose Father is late. While he waits, Mohammad hears a baby bird who has fallen from its tree. Despite his handicap, Mohammad locates the helpless creature and manages to return it to its nest.

As he waits, Mohammad’s Father turns up and we soon learn that he is ashamed by his crippled son and desperate to rid himself of what he feels to be a constraining force on his life. Mohammad’s Father is an archetype we have seen in a number of Majidi’s films - a middle-aged man who has been beaten down by life, full of anger and bitterness. After an unsuccessful plea to the school’s teachers to keep Mohammad at the school, he grudgingly returns with Mohammad to their village in the country.

In their village, Mohammad’s Grandmother and two sisters happily await his return and shower him with love and affection (that is absent from his negligent Father). The village is an idyllic scene and Mohammad spends his first days back enjoying the beautiful environs of his village while frolicking with his sisters and spending time with his Grandmother.

Trouble is brewing however, as Mohammed’s Father contemplates the best way to rid himself of Mohammad so he can pursue a widow in his village without the “constraints” of his handicapped son. He eventually finds a blind carpenter who is willing to let Mohammad apprentice under him.

In defiance to Mohammad and his Grandmother’s wishes, Mohammad’s Father takes him to live and apprentice under the blind carpenter. In a heartbreaking tearful monologue (a motif in Majidi’s films) delivered to the blind carpenter, Mohammad laments his handicap and affirms his love for God.

At that point in the film I just about turned off the television and went to cry in the bathroom but managed to suck it up and watch the rest of the film, only to find that it actually gets more emotional and heartbreaking.

By the end of the film (the ending is magnificent) I was ready to pledge a majority of my earnings to blind children in Iran. As a matter of fact, if you feel like donating money after watching the film to help Iranian children then you can go to the Iranian Children’s Rights Society Web site and make a donation.

At any rate, the film was simply incredible. It made me feel and think in a way that no cultural product has been able to do for a long while. Interestingly enough, I went and saw Atonement later that day and found it to be boring and trite in comparison (despite the fact that its budget probably was exponentially higher).

Watching The Color of Paradise is an experience you will not soon forget.

Shoot ‘Em Up is a highly stylized fast-paced action film starring Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti, and Monica Bellucci, and directed by Hollywood’s new shining star Michael Davis, who adds another gem to his growing list of masterpieces that includes Monster Man, Girl Fever, and 100 Girls.

Did I mention that Michael Davis wrote the screenplay to Double Dragon in 1994?

No seriously, the movie was mildly shitty.

There are those that believe this film is part of a growing genre of films that are self-conscious of their own shallowness to the point that their titles blare out the fact that you will become dumber by watching them. This trend is exemplified in films like Snakes on a Plane.

Snakes on a Plane makes no pretense at depth and admits what it is a skank with fake boobs who dresses trashy, swears like a pirate, and hooks up with everybody at the party.

Unfortunately, I think Shoot ‘Em Up is more like a skank with fake boobs and a fake Prada bag, sipping on Cristal meaning it is not completely aware of its own shallowness and that is somehow worse on an objective scale of skanks.

ow else can you explain scenes like Bellucci’s tearful admission that she had lost a child in the past, or the inexplicably complex plot that involves a dirty politician, a gangster, and a gun manufacturer?

Oooh, those features are satirical you say? Did I mention that Michael Davis wrote the screenplay to Double Dragon in 1994?

At any rate, it is a real shame that Shoot ‘Em Up stunk so much because the truth of the matter is that they had the ingredients to make a great film: Their casting director obviously hit a home run - I mean, this film had three legitimate Hollywood stars!

It is almost like the executive producers went out and purchased a Ferrari engine and inserted it into a Hyundai.

I think if they had just hired a real screen writer and director they could have honestly had a blockbuster on their hands instead of a film that has made about $12.8 million since it opened September 23 with an opening weekend gross of $5.7 million, which ranks it below such classics as Hostel Part II, The Invasion, and an assortment of other films starring Bijou Phillips.

Sadly, Shoot ‘Em Up has generated less buzz than YouTube’s Leave Britney Alone and probably deserves slightly less critical acclaim.

What’s worse, the film has only made about $750K on the foreign market, which is sad considering that Bellucci and Owen should be great draws abroad.

To avoid sounding like your typical whiny film critic, I’m going to get productive and actually offer a few recommendations that could have pushed this film in the right direction:

1. Simplify the plot and sex it up The whole political conspiracy / gun-lobby plot is stupid and confusing. I actually like the way the film avoids any sort of initial plot development and simply hops into the action a young pregnant woman being pursued by an assailant runs by a man seated on a bench. It has a great noiresque beginning but it just gets too crazy, random and tacky. Speaking of tacky:

2. Make the characters classier and let the actors act Bellucci giving a blowjob behind a dumpster just isn’t doing it for me. Nor is Clive Owen dressed like a hobo eating carrots. You took one of the sexiest actresses of our time and turned her into a lactating whore and you took one of the top actors and turned him into Bozo the crime fighting bum. Shame on you.

Giamatti was the one character I sort of liked and that is mostly because of Giamatti. Their characters would have been far better had they simply been cliches: Owen’s character should have been an acerbic yet witty and kind-hearted detective and Bellucci could have been a self-serving socialite with a calm demenoar that cloaked a deep-seeded fear.

3. Pacing, pacing, pacing I know that the balls to the wall pacing was clearly intentional but they never let Owen nor Bellucci have the space to explore any possible chemistry nor express anything the slightest bit human about either of their characters. They were simply running around the entire time like idiots, making trite dialogue and engaging with one another in an excessively contrived manner. Also, when are producers going to realize that film is like pitching I don’t care if you can hurl it like Nolan Ryan in his prime, eventually people will catch up to your speed and get bored. With Shoot ‘Em Up, you simply become numb to the pace and by the middle you are just counting the minutes until the credits roll.

4. Hire a real screenwriter and director Who thought it was a good idea to get this cast together and then ask Michael Davis to write and direct? Davis must have tape of one of the executive producers planning treason against the US government. That is the only way I can possibly explain how he was asked to both write and direct this film.

Did I mention that Michael Davis wrote the screenplay to Double Dragon in 1994?

Err on a side note, Bellucci is absolutely beautiful but they really should have hired a better makeup artist for her.

5. Get rid of the baby It was just ridiculous. I don’t know if it was a joke or what, but having a baby in this movie just seemed pointless to me. I mean, you have a baby or a child in the film either to scare people silly (like the Grudge) or to create tension because of your concern for the kid. But in a caricature of a film like this, it just seems pointless to have a baby.

Well, when all is said and done the best thing I can say about the film is that it was fairly short.

Did I mention that Michael Davis wrote the screenplay to Double Dragon in 1994?

In 1986, a young boy went to see a film about sacrifice, growth, and redemption that captivated his imagination and stirred his spirit.  That movie was The Transformers and it scored a 10/10 on the bad-ass scale.

In 2007, a 29-year old young(I think) man went to see a movie with the same name and left feeling dirty and used by the Michael Bay piece of crap that he had just spent the past two hours watching.

It will never cease to amaze me how Hollywood continues to destroy the relics of my childhood by overly contriving and commodifying stories that I used to love.  First, they gave the Dark Phoenix saga a golden shower; then they castrated Venom; and now this - they have turned the Transformers into a CGI-ed up version of the Village People.

Oh, it wasn’t that bad Jiyan.  With a budget of around $200 million, surely there must be some redeeming elements in the film?

Sure - there was some redeeming elements in the film:

The one thing I enjoyed about Transformers

Of course, I shouldn’t be surprised that the one redeeming quality of Transformers would be the fact that it sold sex considering that Michael Bay got his start directing Playboy video centerfolds, which in fact is the only Michael Bay film I would be willing to watch in the future given the fact that he pimped the Transformers like Terrence Howard pimped Taryn Manning in Hustle & Flow.

Instead of listing out the 100 things I found disgusting about Transformers, I’m going to provide 5 suggestions for how they could have made this film bearable.  Spielberg you senile S.O.B, I hope you are listening:

1. Include characters in the movie - Guess what idiots?  People like characters.  There were no characters in this movie.  There was a crap load of boring stereotypes and some CGI robots that I couldn’t care less about.  I literally vomited in my mouth during Bernie Mac’s cameo and during Anthony Anderson’s introductory scenes (both of whom have talent), when they were both essentially asked to use their blackness to bring some flavor to the film; I almost spat out my $10 aquafina when they had the audacity to play a tragic composition when Bumblebee was trapped by the police (guess what a$%holes, you only play a tragic composition when something tragic happens); and I almost walked out during the ‘is man worth saving’ dialogue between Optimus Prime and Megatron as they rolled around like two extras from ‘Rent’ in the ”climax” to the film.  I’m not even joking when I say this movie had no characters and would have been less of a joke had there not been one word uttered in it, which brings me to my second point:  
2. Hire a screenwriter who didn’t learn to read and write from Hooked on Phonics - Immediately after the film ended I ran to the bathroom and began beating my head against the sink in an effort to forget all of the movie dialogue that had entered into my short-term memory because I realized that my IQ would drop 50 points if I committed any of the dialogue to long-term memory.  In all honesty, the dialogue from the film made me feel embarassed.  They literally tried to inject some message about humanity into the film.  Obviously, this film was not intended to be An Inconvenient Truth so why even try? 
3. Include a plot in the movie - I know it is hard to impose a narrative structure onto a two-hour long car commercial but they honestly could have tried.  There was no sense of narrative coherence in the movie, no pacing, and no plot.  It was literally a bunch of people and robots running around and speaking incoherently to one another for two hours.  Next time, try to put some semblance of a plot together - maybe even think about copying a plot from the original Transfomers series?
4. Don’t give me an epileptic seizure - I couldn’t understand what was happening in any of the battle scenes.  They wasted millions of dollars on CGI when they could have hired a bunch of Korean kids to animate the film for $10,000 bucks because no one had any idea what was happening at any point when the robots were on-screen.  The final scene was so confusing to watch that there was a kid crying in the audience.  I’m lying - that kid was me.
5. Hire a real director next time - It is one thing to hire Bay to direct The Rock or Bad Boys - stories that no one really cares about and will be gone from our culture in a few years.  It is another to hand the reigns of a brand like The Transformers over to Bay.  Next time hire someone who actually understands the cultural significance of the Transformers and cares enough to actually put some effort in.

Allright - I’m getting bored with trashing the film.  Do yourself a favor and save $10 bucks by skipping this movie and just renting the original.

Matrix 2 (Matrix Reloaded) sucked. I’m not going to sugar-coat it. Zero character development, a ridiculously complex and stupid plot that made The Phantom Menace’s plot look clever, completely erroneous dramatic sequences, token black-guy quotes (which annoy me), the only asians in the movie were a kung-fu artist and some old guy who made keys, some of the special effects were spectacular but some made me think I had just paid 8 bucks to watch a video game, and there was some very lame screenwriting which made me think that the Wachovia brothers (or whatever their names are) have been watching too many Bush speeches on television. The worst part about it was that the shit ended with a “To Be Continued.” After all that god damn patience and effort I didn’t even get to see a satisfying conclusion. My conclusion - wait until it comes out on video or DVD. Then wait some more. Then wait for Matrix 3 to come out on DVD. Then fast forward through the entire thing at 30X speed, only stopping to watch the fight scenes and occasional nipple shots of girls dancing and be over and done with it.