Drift Reality > London, England > European Backpacking Advice

Recently, one of the visitors to the site told me she would be backpacking through Europe and asked if I had any advice for her. I figure I would share some of my insights with everyone.

Dear _______,

Congratulations on deciding to go backpacking through Europe for a month. I’m sure you must be extremely excited. Europe is a diverse, culturally rich continent and I am confident you will have the experience of a lifetime.

I’m flattered you would ask for my advice regarding your trip. I’ve compiled a list of ten basic tips that should get you through your trip in one piece:

1. Bring dental floss and deodorant. It is not easy to find these items, or any other sort of non-soap toiletry throughout Europe.

2. On a related noted, you may want to be prepared for a slight “difference” in the way people smell over in Europe.

3. Don’t hide your American accent; play it up. People around the world think we are stupid, so we might as well use this to our advantage. I’ve personally gotten out of numerous bus fares by simply saying (in a thick American accent), “Aww shucks, I didn’t realize you had to pay that much here. What can I do?” After being looked at like I was a mentally handicapped child, I’ve been allowed to hop off the bus without paying.

4. Prepare to gain weight. After you leave England, you should be prepared for some of the best food of your life. Actually, you’ll probably be gaining weight even in England. Anything tastes good after you’ve had 8 pints of beer. Even British food.

5. If you aren’t adventurous when it comes to food, don’t worry. There are Starbucks and McDonalds throughout Europe. Even in Paris, where people hate Americans, there is a French man wearing a beret on every corner, eating a Big Mac. The only difference between Paris and the US is that the French man is taking breaks from eating his burger to puff on his cigarette and curse the United States.

6. Once you get down to the Mediterranean, make sure not to eat dinner until about 10 PM. If you eat dinner at 6 PM and then start drinking afterwards, you will be an absolute wreck by the time you get out to the clubs at 10. So basically, at 11, when people are first starting to get to the clubs, you will be dancing on the bar like a circus monkey. This will just make it harder for the next Americans who visit to be taken seriously.

7. When you are in England, don’t speak to or look at anybody because it upsets them. They will take out their anger by promptly heading to the nearest pub and drinking for the next 5 hours while grumbling under their breath. Actually on second though, speak to and look at everybody.

8. If you are a female, watch out for men when you are in Europe – especially the Mediterranean countries. They will sexually harass you and then try to marry you.

9. Before you even think about approaching anyone in Italy, ask yourself this question: “What brand shirt are you wearing?” If the answer is “GAP, American Eagle, Abercrombie & Fitch, or J. Crew,” just forget about it.

10. If I can leave you with one last piece of advice it is this: You are an American. You are a symbol of freedom and democracy throughout the world. Now patch that maple leaf on your shirt and go get ‘em!