Feb 15th, 2006
I Should be the next Mayor of Los Angeles
After spending a lot of time deliberating over the matter, I have come to the unequivocal conclusion that I should be the next mayor of Los Angeles.
“But Jiyan,” you might ask. “You have zero political experience besides a one-month stint spent interning for a congressman in San Diego!”
That doesn’t matter. If the Terminator can become the governor of California, then someone like me should be able to become the next mayor of California. Actually, I have a lot more going for me than the Terminator. Here are the ten reasons why I should be the next major of Los Angeles:
1. I am half-Asian - According to a 2000 census report, just fewer than 370,000 Asians live in Los Angeles. This accounts for about 9.99% of the total population in LA. Furthermore, I am specifically half-Korean, and the Korean population alone totals about 92,000 strong. I would automatically command the Asian vote if I ran for mayor of Los Angeles.
2. I am half-Persian - There are various estimates of the total number of Iranians living in Los Angeles, but I think it would be safe to say there are over 200,000 Iranians living in LA. Not only does this population account for a great deal of votes, but the 2000 census shows that Iranian-Americans have a 45% higher per capita income than the national average so basically I could count on their support for votes as well as for fund-raising.
3. I look somewhat Latino - As you can see from my picture, I could pass for some type of South American. Actually, there was this guy from Chile in my elementary school and we definitely looked very similar. Furthermore, when I used to lifeguard in Bethesda, I was sometimes paired up with this Bolivian who swore I looked Latin American. He tried to fix me up with my sister but that went horribly awry. I digress – I look Latino and we are basically talking about a HUGE Latino population in Los Angeles that is estimated at around 1.7 million (47% of the total population!) Furthermore, I have an uncanny ability to devour Latin American food and this will inevitably endear me to the Latino population even more.
4. I can ball. Well sort of - I honestly think I’m pretty good at basketball for a 5’10” Korean-Iranian-American. I played on the University of London team and averaged around 8 points/game. I definitely think I can do well enough to play in some inner-city tournaments and this would definitely win me support among the Asian, Black, and Latino populations.
5. I went to Georgetown University - Okay, believe it or not, there are definitely some white people living in Los Angeles. Actually, there are about 1.7 million white people living in Los Angeles: about 47% of the population. I went to a predominantly white catholic university and even attended Catholic Mass on several occasions. Furthermore, my diction is definitely very waspy and I can speak at length on topics like the Dave Matthews Band, Friends, and Seinfeld.
6. I watched the movie Crash and understood it - I’m serious. I can talk about the political economy themes in the film; issues of representation; the cinematography – you name it, and I can talk about it.
7. According to my Mother, I’m pretty good looking and I haven’t had any surgery - As we all know, LA is the most superficial city in the United States. Miami runs a distant second. I couldn’t find any statistics on cosmetic surgical operations by city, but I would be willing to bet that LA is at the top of the list. Clearly, they care about looks in this city and by electing me they would be electing a guy who is pretty good looking.
8. I can order food, cuss, and ask where the bathroom is in four languages - Five, if you count Ebonics as a language. The other four are: Farsi, Korean, Spanish and English. As we all know, all you need to know how to do in order to get by in any culture is to order food, cuss, and ask where the bathroom is. I can do it in languages that are all relevant in Los Angeles.
9. I have an insatiable appetite (for food) - A big part of politics is eating. There are so many social functions to attend: dinners, luncheons, banquets, etc. I could eat 6 full meals per day if I had to, twice the number of any ordinary politician. Also, everyone respects a politician they can relate to. The image of me stuffing my face with food in my teeth will be enough to make any potential voter fall in love with me instantaneously.
10. I will schmooze you to death - I’m at my best when I have a tuxedo on and a cocktail in my hand. Actually, most of the time I don’t even know what I’m talking about but I can talk for about 6 hours straight. I’m serious – someone once timed me. The best part about it is that I am normally inebriated enough that I don’t recall what I am talking about so every time I tell a story, it will feel like the first time I’ve told it and that will make you feel special.
In conclusion, I have what it takes to be the next mayor of Los Angeles. Actually, I didn’t even have to think to put this list together. I could probably write down about fifty more reasons why I should be the major of LA. If anyone has any political connections in LA, please do not hesitate to contact me and let’s work something out.
