Oct 1st, 2007
Shopping for your Girlfriend
I was walking in Tysons Gallery earlier today, toying with the idea of buying something for my girlfriend when I realized what I was attempting to do was ultimately futile.
“That’s ridiculous,” you might be thinking. “How can spontaneously purchasing a gift for someone you know well be impossible?”
Where to begin?
First off, I’m sure the size system was designed to intentionally confuse men. Men buy clothes in the following sizes: small, medium, large, and extra large. I’m about 5′10 with a medium-sized frame and so I buy clothes that are medium. Women have some strange numeric system of sizing that allegedly varies depending on where you are shopping, the size of the woman’s body, her stature, the weather, and about 15 other variables that are indecipherable to the mortal man.
Second, you have to fight the perception that you are either a pervert or a transvestite when shopping in a woman’s store. I meandered into Victoria’s Secret and it was not long until I felt as though I was being scrutinized by the rest of the store’s patrons. The only way a man can go into a woman’s undergarment store and not come out in handcuffs is if he is accompanied by a woman.
Third, you will inevitably buy something that she doesn’t like. Women are picky by nature. If you bring them the moon and the stars they will ask why you didn’t bring them a molecular cloud. When you get frustrated just remember - true, they are picky, but she chose you so that should mean something. I digress…
With all the challenges that men have to face in selecting a gift for their significant other, I have devised the following tip sheet to help optimize your chances of success in this most difficult of tasks.
Tip #1 - Perform a Self Assessment
The process starts out with some serious soul-searching. You have to ask the following questions: How much does your girlfriend like you? How strong is your relationship? Are you in it for the short-term or the long-haul?
If your girlfriend is head-over-heels in love with you then it probably doesn’t matter what you get her. In fact, you could probably get her a Chipotle gift certificate and she would be happy. Unfortunately (or fortunately) most of us are not in this situation.
If you have a strong relationship then you probably don’t even have to read the rest of this article because you already know what she wants and even if you didn’t, you guys are still going to be happy.
If you’re in it for the short-term, then who cares what you give her because you probably aren’t going to be around in a couple of weeks anyway.
On the other hand, if the relationship is still tenuous but you want to be in it for the long-haul, then you are going to have to sack up and press on with the tips.
Tip #2 - Perform a Target Assessment
Would you walk into a company meeting where you had to pitch an idea without first spending some time researching the viability of your idea? Before you even attempt to set foot in a store with the intention of buying a gift, make sure you have done your homework.
You should know things like what her last boyfriend got for her. You should have performed some semi-structured interviews with her girlfriends. You should be conducting focus groups and broad-scale studies. Has she made any seemingly innocuous comments about something in a window?
Don’t let this be you - do your homework.
Take everything you know about her from everyone know knows her, write it down on a piece of paper and then let it incubate in your head for a little while.
Note: If there is one question that trumps all others, it is what her best friend has been given by her boyfriend (your competition). If you have enough disposable cash to outspend your competitor then chances are you can find a shortcut by simply buying some outrageously expensive gift.
Tip #3 - Think on the Periphery
If you don’t have a few grand burning a hole in your pocket, then it is time to get down to business and get creative. Hopefully you will have done your research by now and you’ll have a good idea of the parameters you are working with.
Now, think about what you could come up with that is in the ballpark but near the warning track. In other words, you don’t want to go crazy and give her a kidney you bought on eBay from Micronesia but maybe give her scuba diving lessons in Micronesia.
Think on the periphery - you want to give her something that no one else has given her before and something that no one else will give her in the future. If you guys break up, you want her to always remember that gift you gave her when her future boyfriend is muddling around like an idiot.
Also, if you don’t have the chips to get into a pissing match with your competition then doing something unexpected and creative is a surefire way to set yourself apart.
Tip #4 - Recruit Help
What is one of the marks of a true leader? Knowing his or her limitations and knowing when to delegate to others.
At the end of the day, you have to come to terms with the fact that as a heterosexual male, even if you have done your homework and spent time thinking about the perfect gift, you are still probably going to fail.
That’s when it is time to bring in the cavalry - aka a female sibling, female friend, or a gay male friend. Not only will they be an invaluable resource for possible gift ideas, they will be a litmus test for your own gift ideas.
Tip #5 - Manage Expectations
According to Tsung Tzu when you are capable, feign incapacity; when active, inactivity.
You must manage the expectations of your loved one by underplaying all the time, effort and money you have put in.
Ideally, at the point of gift conveyance, you want them to think that you have put in as little effort as possible and are the most insensitive person on the face of the earth. Then, when you unveil your masterpiece, you will almost be assured of victory.
Remember - feign ignorance as much as humanly possible. Ask questions like “Wait, isn’t there something coming up pretty soon?” the day before her birthday just to throw her off track.
It probably wouldn’t hurt to drop a question like “You like gift certificates, right?” every so often as well.
Well, that about wraps it up. My final advice is that at the end of the day, if you have followed all these tips and you still lay a goose egg, then chances are you are in the wrong relationship. If someone makes a full-hearted attempt to do something for someone else and comes up short, then chances are it is the other person’s fault.
I usually go for the outrageous, which can vary greatly in damage to your wallet depending upon the occasion.
Asking for outside female assistance is a must, I agree. As my natural tendency is to buy something she needs, not what she wants.
As for clothing, I think taking her on a shopping spree and sitting quietly, smiling, holding her purse and saying everything looks great, lets buy it all is a good way to go.
Never buy anything at Victoria Secret unless you’ve already received a green light and/or it’s *your* birthday.
For surprises go with shoes, or boots. It’s a lot less complicated with the sizes and a friend of hers can easily tell you what she’d want.
For something memorable that will be around and used for awhile and frequently. I recommend a hot pink (or other favorite color) iPod Video Nano or iTouch that’s engraved with something romantic or just between the two of you. With only room for two short sentences on the back, it takes a bit of thought, but it turns that couple hundred dollar gift (with free engraving) into something with more umph.
The biggest thing is to keep notes throughout the year of items she’s mentioned, or pointed out. Then when it comes time for a birthday, Xmas, or whatever - you get her something she wanted. She thinks you weren’t paying attention about at the time and the being a sweetie points just go through the roof.
For bonus points, make a note of something she was wearing or what you were doing when she mentioned the item. That way you can say you remembered 6 months ago when she was wearing that stunning “Al Castle Rocks My World” t-shirt that she had pointed out she wanted whatever the item is.
It’s a bit hard, when they don’t give you any clues or hints then you have to rely on a friend of hers, who most likely doesn’t like you anyways. Always a tricky one. In which case go with expensive.
one sure fire method is to treat her and bffs to mani-pedi. not only will you score points with her but her friends will love you too. mos def helps when you’ve caused her some headache and she goes complaining to those friends. they’ll only see the good things you’ve done (he is so sweet and sensitive, blahblahblah) which in turn will help you get some great make-up s*x.
plus, that gives you an afternoon free with the boys.
don’t forget to compliment her on the shade of polish either. and than take her to go buy a pair of strappy heels to show off the pedi.
if all else fails, diamond studs or an expensive bag works.
Al, I didn’t realize what a strategic thinker you were when it came to these issues!
Tamara, the advice is intriguing, particularly because you are ensuring a positive experience for her friends as well.
Jessie…
See the Sapir-Whorf hypothesis.. In ordinary use, it usually refers to interpersonal love. In this sense, during the dating process,…
hmmmm….why don’t you just listen
Sapir-Whorf hypothesis, eh….