Jan 14th, 2005
Parking in DC
After living in DC for so long that it hurts, I’ve realized a few things about the city. One, there are not a lot of very good-looking people here. Although this sounds like a superficial thing to say, no one can ever criticize me for being superficial because I actually left one of the more attractive cities in the United States - San Diego - to come back to this cesspool of homeliness. The reason I did, was because people tend to be pretty savvy about what’s going on in the world around them, unlike San Diego, and I appreciate that. Would you rather have beautiful vacuous people or sharp unattractive people?
At any rate, not only have I learned many things about the type of people who live in DC, but I’ve also learned quite a bit about the everyday trivial little details that go along with living in DC.
Now, I’ve already talked about my intense hatred for meter maids in the city. Today, I’d like to discuss something less infuriating, and more ridiculous: parking in DC.
Not only is parking in DC difficult due to the intense automotive congestion downtown, which must be in the same ballpark as Manhattan, but it is made more difficult by virtue of the fact that for every space there is available on the street, there are EIGHT MILLION FRIGGIN’ SIGNS YOU HAVE TO DECIPHER.
I was trying to park in Dupont the other day, and I was confronted with the following:
Sign 1: 2 Hour Parking; 10:30AM - 3:30PM; Monday-Friday
Sign 2: No Parking or Standing; 8:30 AM - 10:30 AM; 3:30PM - 5:30PM; Monday - Friday
Sign 3: No Parking; Street Cleaning; Wednesday Morning; 5:30AM - 8:30AM
Sign 4: No Parking; Special Event; January 20; All-Day
Sign 5: No Parking; 5:45PM - 6:30PM; If Driving Blue Honda ‘92-’95
Sign 6: No Parking; If Uncle’s Neighbor’s Brother is Gay; Or if Your Name is Harold
Okay, I threw in those last two, but do you see what I’m saying? It is absolutely ludicrous. Not only does it take 30 minutes to find a goddamn spot, but also it takes 15 minutes to sit and figure out the stupid GRE analytical problem, that is understanding the parking signs.
I’m sure that half of the reason there is so much damn traffic in this city is because people are sitting in their cars like a bunch of morons, trying to understand street signs.
If I were the mayor of this city, I would utilize a new approach to street signs. It would involve the following two signs:
Sign 1: NO
Sign 2: YES
Should I be mayor? What do you think?
