Drift Reality > Washington, DC > Election 2004

In the wake of the elections, most democrats are experiencing a myriad of emotions: depression, anger, bitterness, and most notably, surprise. I’ve heard countless people say how they simply could not believe the outcome, when everything around them seemed to be pointing to a Kerry victory.

But sure enough, when the final votes were counted, Bush’s 59.7 million votes had not only handily beaten Kerry, but had also broken the all-time popular vote total. This fact begs the question, “Who the hell are all these morons who are voting for Bush?”

In one of the most polarized elections in our nation’s history, it basically came down to the Northeast, the West Coast, and most of the Great Lakes states on one side; and the South and Midwest on the other.

There are many ways to look at these geographic dilineations. By now, I’m sure most people have heard about the infamous table that presents state vs. average IQ vs. electoral vote, which was purportedly attribute to a book called “IQ and the Wealth of Nations,” and referenced in the St. Petersburg Times and the Economist (who later retracted the story).

On the other hand, the US Census Bureau’s account of high school graduation rates last year reveals that 7 out of the top 10 states were red. Although I acknowledge the fact that this represents a miniscule percentage of the voting population, I think there is a fairly direct correlation to be drawn between the average intelligence in a given state and the high school graduation rate.

I think that the bottom line is that we need to start insuring that only intelligent Americans vote.

I think this can be accomplished by administering the following five-question quiz to all voters on election day:

1) Is it acceptable to have sex with your sibling?

a. Yes
b. No

2) What is the capital of France?

a. London
b. Berlin
c. Paris
d. I don’t care about no darn terrorists.

3) Who was the first president of the United States?

a. Thomas Jefferson
b. Abraham Lincoln
c. George Washington
d. Jesus Christ, our savior

4) What would constitute a satisfactory first date?

a. Dinner at a nice restaurant followed by a movie.
b. Grabbing drinks at a nice cocktail bar.
c. Seeing a broadway show.
d. Downing an $8 fifth of whiskey and heading to the local Walmart.

5) What was the worst part about the movie “Deliverance?”

a. A grown man gets ass-raped by a redneck.
b. A young inbred defeats one of the main characters in a game of dueling banjos.
c. Burt Reynolds’ acting.
d. Rude city folk disrupt a tender moment between someone who looks like your cousin Billy Bob and a plump piece of ass.

Basically, if you answered "yes" to question 1, or "d" on any of the following four questions, you automatically lose your right to vote.